Day 1: Love is Patient
Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.
NOTES: At the end of day one I didn't notice too much. I did, however, notice that my impatience was directly related to dealing with the kids and not so much with Ruth. I was consciously assessing my own thoughts and I must say that I've got some pretty strange stuff floating around up there, but I did not think or feel negatively towards Ruth. When she got short or snappy with me, it was easy to see that it came from her dealing with the kids as well. I need to practice not running around like a chicken head (I know chicken heads don't run, but that's besides the point) and I will endeavor to pray for more patience as the days roll on.
Day 2: Love is Kind
Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
NOTES: I tried to maintain a kind attitude throughout the whole day mixed with patience. Man I'm sweat'in dude. I don't want to try so hard. It should just flow naturally. I cleaned up, change diapers, and above all actually asked if there was anything more I could do to help. I think I need to work on being less passive aggressive at times. One thing that stood out in this chapter for me was the following statement: The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. I need to just "man up", do my part, and leave the results up to God. I love this family and will continue the journey as necessary.
Day 3: Love is not selfish
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today".
NOTES: I brought home some balloons, flowers, new sweat pants, and some oreo cakesters. Ruth, as usual, responded with a genuine appreciation and gave me one of those smiles that will last me all week long. Giving is good! This part of the "dare" was nothing but good times.......We'll see what tomorrow brings. By the grace and goodness of God, I'll keep moving forward.
Day 4: Love is thoughtful
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day, ask how they are doing, and see if there is anything you can do for them.
NOTES: This one, I usually do anyway. This time when I called I went extra on the "is there anything you need" part. It ended up that I was able to pick up an item from the store for Ruth. I have to remember that all these dares are meant to continue on with patience and kindness. Those are fundamental for entering in to each new dare. Patience... Kindness... Two basics that should never be removed. Gotta soak it in. All around, day 4 went pretty smooth. Supposedly it gets harder. We'll see.....
Day 5: Love is not rude
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.
NOTES: Here are the three things.....#1 sometimes when Ruth snaps at me about something I move my head around as if dodging punches even when she's being serious.....That irritates her.#2 sometimes I put a dirty dish back in the sink after rinsing it instead of in the dish washer......That irritates her.#3 sometimes during 4play, I open my mouth too wide and use too much tongue.....That makes her uncomfortable. (grinning with embarrassment).... I think I handled hearing these things indefensibly and in stride. Next, I plan to listen better (without eluding verbal assaults), put my dishes all the way into the dishwasher after rinsing, and open mouth slightly while getting rid of the tongue all together. Mixed, of course, with the fundamental patience and kindness.
Day 6: Love is not irritable
Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.
NOTES: Ruth and I did not see each other all day until late night, but we discussed how I can be passive aggressive when I get irritated. I don't know where this stems from, but I'm praying about it. Oh, how I need the grace of God to carry on from day to day.
Day 7: Love believes the best
On paper, make a list of positive and negative things about your spouse. Hide the list. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.
NOTES: I choose not to share my list completely, but I can honestly say that the positive list was an easier one to make. I had to call and thank Ruth for just one of her positive attributes today and I chose to thank her for not being a major complainer. Everything must continue to be coupled with patience and kindness.
Day 8: Love is not jealous
Become your spouse's biggest fan. Take yesterday's list of negative attributes, burn it, and share how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
NOTES: I shared this dare with Ruth and told her how proud I am of her smarts and motherhood. Although she has not received any recent awards or achievements for anything, she succeeds daily with the kids and deserves much more than a plaque. Bottom line is to avoid becoming bitter towards or jealous of your spouse. "A loving husband doesn't mind his wife being better at something, having more fun, or getting more applause. He sees her as completing him, not competing with him." I do need to work more at edifying my deserving wife. She is truly my hero! (I gladly burned that negative list with Melia outside).
Day 9: Love makes good impressions
Think of a specific way to greet your spouse and do it with a smile. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.
NOTES: Many months ago I actually decided to always greet Ruth with a kiss every day after work. I still do it, but everyday has turned into more like 1-3 times per week or when I remember to. I am loosing this one and chapter 9 was a great refresher for me. From this day forward, my goal is to kiss or touch during good mornings, hellos, good-byes, and good nights. "Remember, love is a choice. So choose o change your greeting. Choose to love." "It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in subtle, unspoken ways."
Day 10: Love is unconditional
Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.
NOTES: In the business of today, I ended up only buying Ruth some cad bury cream eggs. My words spoke of love, but I was short tempered.....
Day 11: Love Cherishes
Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.
NOTES: I took the day off and bought a 15 passenger van. This is irrelevant to the chapter and I have a headache. I have lost patience and have not been too kind in the process. After my head is overloaded with auto dealing and number crunching all I want is something to break. My interactions with Ruth have been brutally military, short, and far from sweet. My bad today. Lord, forgive and help renew my heart through this.
Day 12: Love lets the other win
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.
NOTES: Maybe this counts and maybe this doesn't but whatever. I disagreed with Ruth about installing a DVD player in our old van, but gave in to her preference on the new one. Above all, I was able to get back to my devotions this morning and have a renewed strength (coupled with a sore throat). I love me wifey...... I never stopped and never will stop loving her, but I'm trying to search for newer deeper ways to express it. Here's to day 12!
Day 13: Love fights fair
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement and Resolve to abide by them.
NOTES: Ruth and I discussed that we need to disengage early during arguments in the kids' presence, understand each other better when both of us "had a long day", and never let the sun go down while we're still angry. Never letting the sun go down while your angry is an old one we established at the beginning of our marriage and although we've been good here, it doesn't hurt to revisit. Better communication as usual. For me proper communication. I figure if I go all out in trying to really listen to what she is saying, then I have pretty much covered 90% of the communication part. Truthfully, I married a unique and wonderful creature and there is nothing on God's green earth that I would trade in for her. (Ruth reads these sometimes so I probably just scored some hubby points). God has established marriage for His purposes and in all His wisdom I am convinced that ultimately His plan will prevail. I may be up and down on the patience scale but: "All things as they change proclaim the Lord eternally the same".....AMEN!
Day 14: Love takes delight
Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.
NOTES: I neglected playing video games (on a Friday night mind you) and just laid next to Ruth while she watched one of her TV shows. It was fine. I gained having some small talk with Ruth during commercials and got to see Joshua smile ear-to-ear while I was holding him. If that's the exchange for skipping video games for a night then I'll take it! I do have to remind myself to keep loving regardless of the return. Agape love. God's love.
Day 15: Love is honorable
Show your mate that she is highly esteemed in your eyes. Holding open doors, put away clothes, or the way you listen and communicate.
NOTES: I opened doors, filled ice waters, helped with kids, cleaned dinner, did nap and bedtime routine, and listened differently. These are the norms, but I placed the high esteem of her for my reasoning behind it all. In my own heart it helped me to do things with less frustration, but I was in my own little world on this one. I'm not sure if she notices or not. It does not matter though, because it's not about me or rewards for my good works. It's about marriage. It's about commitment. It's about death being the only thing that parts us.
Day 16: Love intercedes
Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.
NOTES: I do pray for Ruth and the kids, but this dare is helping me to focus in on 3 specifics about Ruth alone. I choose not to share this list. I will just add that God does not appreciate what God does not initiate. I'm all for this one!
Day 17: Love promotes intimacy
Guard your mate's secrets. Demonstrate love in spite of issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.
NOTES: It's hard to just start sharing your innermost feelings as a man and, in this case, as Ruth. "I don't have secrets". "I can't think of anything that you don't already know". So, we just ended up kickin it all night with are normal life discussions, agendas for the day, and so on. Ruth says she feels safe with me, but I don't know how deep that one goes. If she ever does come up with a secret to tell me, I hope she knows that it's safe with me. She is safe with me.
Day 18: Love seeks to understand
Prepare a special dinner at home for just the two of you. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.
NOTES: Ruth is back to working again. She had to work an evening shift tonight so this one didn't happen. She did have some potatoes and roast ready for me when I got home though. Thanks Honey! I hope I can find the time to work this dare in on a different day.
Day 19: Love is impossible
Look back over previous dares. Were some seemingly impossible? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength while agreeing to settle your eternal destination.
NOTES: March 4th, 2009...(trying to keep better track of the days). So just sticking to the rudimentary patience and kindness thing has been challenging. There is so much going on through out the day and the kids, oh man the kids! Marriage is tough alone, but throw kids in the mix and you've got your work cut out. People need the Lord! When I prayed about this one, I found that 90% of it was thankfulness. Unlike my finite capacity, God's infinite love will never run out and He desires me to take in more and more. Oh, I have a grateful heart and I love the spouse He's brought me.
Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ
Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by you grace".
NOTES: 3/5/09, done. Grace through faith in Jesus because there is no other name given under Heaven by which we can be saved....(Acts 4:12)
Day 21: Love is satisfied in God
Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.
NOTES: 3/6/09, I love it. I always think that things can get too hectic for alone time in prayer and the word. Being intentional about it made it easy to see that I can skip watching TV, playing guitar, or even cleaning the house in order to spend some quality time with the Lord. If things appear hectic than that's when I need my Jesus most. I like these "dares".
Day 22: Love is faithful
Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Choose to say something similar to this, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."
NOTES: 3/7/09, I was sitting at the table rubbing Ruth's hand and as I gazed into her beautiful multicolored eyes I said, "Honey, I LOVE you plain and simple. I just want you to know that no matter what I will always love you, okay..? Do you know this to be true?" Ruth responded, "Yeah, I love you so much too. Was that one of your love dares or something?" She called me out and cracks me up all at once, and I do love her.
Day 23: Love always protects
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.
NOTES: 3/8/09, I can get addicted to anything really, but the areas I have struggled with the most are lust, alcohol, and weed. God's grace, mercy, strength and forgiveness have helped me to not have to "remove" any addictions that may be hindering our relationship. There were moments that I had to remove some things, but Ruth stayed by my side. That being said, everyday is a battlefield and I have to consciously fight to preserve this marriage by taking every thought captive to the Lord. It all begins in the mind. If it were not for the goodness of God, I would not be where I'm at today with my addictions. This is a major topic for me and I could write a book here so I will end it with this: Addictions are parasites that will utterly destroy your relationship. (Your relationship with God, people, and your spouse that is).....
Day 24: Love vs. Lust
End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.
NOTES: 3/9/09, New day same battles. I have, by choice, ended all objects of lust with prayer for power to excel still more. I think I have matured enough over the past 10 years or so in having more discernment towards the deception of lust, but never too mature where I become complacent. (Therefore let any one who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1st Corinthians 10:12)
Day 25: Love forgives
Forgive your mate. Let it go. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive".
NOTES: Forgiving seems to come fairly easy for me and I think it's because I've been forgiven for so much. I'm no better than my spouse or anybody else.
Day 26: Love is responsible
Pray through your own wrongdoings, admit them and ask for forgiveness from your spouse. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.
NOTES: 3/11/09 My wrongdoings are being stubborn and hard headed. I had the perfect scenario tonight to be that and to share my deepest apologies. I'm not sure what happend on the receiving end of things, but I do know I just felt more comfortable on the couch for some reason.
Day 27: Love encourages
Eliminate unrealistic expectations in your home. Apologize for being so hard and promise to seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.
NOTES: 3/12 A long time ago when we used to be newly weds, I was hard on Ruth about cleaning more around the house and prioritizing things better. I'm not that guy anymore. It used to cause me more stress trying to control everything and have it my way. I gave my reassurance of love again and let the chips fall where they do. I left a hidden note in the van that read something like this: "You're beautiful, amazing, and holy all by grace alone. Scoot over just a little bit and allow God some room in your day. I love you! I appreciate all that you've been doing!!" Ruth states this had an impact and I am grateful for that. I meant what I wrote and believe very much in my wife.
Day 28: Love makes sacrifices
Purpose to meet one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now.
NOTES: 3/13 Ruth needs a front loading wash machine with a large capacity. Installed it tonight...... I would'nt want to be doing laundry for 8 hours at a time if I were at home all day. The Lord has opened up material things for us lately which is hard to imagine since we're in the worst of economic times. I'm grateful.
Day 29: Love is motivation
Pray for your spouse for their needs, say, "I love you", then express that love in some tangible way.
NOTES: We had some family over for games, I told her that I loved her, and was up and down getting her stuff from the kitchen. It's fun playing board games with Ruth and the family.
Day 30: Love brings unity
Isolate one area of division in your marriage and ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for your spouse and if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.
NOTES: Nothing revealed
Day 31: Love and marriage
Conquer a "leaving" issue and commit to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.
NOTES: We've leaved and cleaved as far as I can tell and it goes without saying that this marriage is the top priority in my other (little as they are) relationships.
Day 32: Love meets sexual needs
Initiate sex with your spouse in a way that honors what they have shared about their sexual needs.
NOTES: Sex is one of the greatest things God ever came up with. Although I have not initiated anything yet (as I type) I plan to address all of her needs, in a way that honors her, this evening.
Day 33: Love completes each other
Include your spouse in upcoming decisions and mention that you need their perspective and counsel.
NOTES: 3/18/09 I included Ruth in making decisions about some washer and dryer upgrades. She is also advising me through this thought of going back to school for nursing. As I began to mention my need of her perspective and the way I love to hear her side of things she cut me off in mid sentence with, "Is this one of those Love Dare things". Red handed! Thankfully, I was able to convince her of my appreciation in this area with all books aside. Although my decision may be the end result of things, I love to her Ruth's opinion and insights along the way. God bless her!
Day 34: Love celebrates godliness
Verbally commend your spouse for demonstrating Christian character in a noticeable way.
NOTES: 3/19/09 I had to commend Ruth on the way she listens to and supports her other family members and one of her friends. I also see the love of Christ through her (at moments) tender-encouraging-heart with our children. Be quick to listen and slow to speak....
Day 35: Love is accountable
Find a marriage mentor if you feel counseling is needed and ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.
NOTES: 3/20/09 I don't think we need any counseling at this point in time. Saying that, I don't ever want to become complacent or cocky about our marriage either. One thing I do know is that the Holy Spirit (who IS God) is called our wonderful counselor. I think we would be wise to stay prayed up and keep our church body close as they pray for us as well. Every aspect of life is spiritual and, of course, marriage is in no way different.
Day 36: Love is God's word
If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.
NOTES: 3/21/09 This one was a quicky. Ruth was headed off to work a graveyard shift and I read one verse with her, "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" out of Psalms. Short, sweet, and powerful. My bad that I do not incorporate more time in reading with Ruth. I am comfortable in my alone time with God and I need help sharing these moments with her too.
Day 37: Love agrees in prayer
Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together committing your time to the Lord.
NOTES: 3/22/09 We've prayed together quite a bit in the past and did so tonight as this chapter was a refresher. We don't do it enough and I feel guilt for not initiating this one more often.
Day 38: Love fulfills dreams
Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable and commit this to prayer. Meet these desires to whatever level you possibly can.
NOTES: 3/23/09 I think Ruth would ultimately desire being a 100% stay-at-home mom and I have been working on this one for 5 years through prayer and looking into other job offers. It will not happen over night, but I'm applying to CBP again and wanting to go to school for Nursing. God opens doors and closes them too. He wants me (us) to learn something here but one thing is certain.......NEVER LET UP!
Day 39: Love endures
Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until Death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.
NOTES: 3/24/09 RUTH,
What’s up beautimas maximus? I am just writing this letter as part of day 39’s Love Dare, but mostly because I believe the following to be true:
When I first began to realize I was in Love with you, I was talking to you on the phone while I was chilling on my couch at the Hide-away apartments. That particular love bug never went away. Approximately one month later we were saying “I do” at the Grange Hall on Lummi Island.
I, Jeff, ask you, Ruth, to continue to be my wife as my friend and my love. Everyday I affirm the relationship we have enjoyed, looking to the future, to deepen and strengthen it. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. Together we will dream,will stumble but restore each other, we will share all things,serving each other and our fellow humanity. I will cherish and respect you,comfort and encourage you, be open with you, and stay with you as long aswe shall Live, freed and bound by our Love. I will die for you my lady! All of this by grace through faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Day 40: Love is a covenant
Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate.
NOTES: 3/25/09 I'll pin up yesterdays letter.
Final thoughts about the Love Dare: Time just cruises right on by. The "dare" is over. Who has to "dare" to love really. I enjoyed the journey and especially like the fact that there were a few golden moments in there for Ruth. I hope to carry on with more patience and kindness and less passive aggressive behaviors. The highest moments in the book, for me, were the chapters about God. I want to know what God thinks about our marriage. I want to know what God thinks about my life, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. What does God desire for our marriage? How can we honor God with our relationship? Because of God's infinitude, there is no end to us getting to know Him more each and every day. Jesus desires a relationship with His church of both intimacy and passion (like a marriage). He has that for us and wants to develop that in us. In Philippians 3:8, the apostle Paul says, “More than that, I count all things to be a loss in the view of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord.” This is a passion and desire for intimacy. Jesus is our eternal bridegroom as His church!
I want to end this love dare thing with a quote from C.S. Lewis and really hope it sinks in deep to anybody who reads it and is married (or has plans to get married)..........
"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."
C.S. Lewis
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